This is my self pity !

Dear me and you,

I think I’m heading to a depression.  I haven’t been in this bad a state since, I can’t even remember when the last time was.  I am in so much pain, I can fall asleep at any time, and worst of all, I’m always in a bad mood.

My son is acting upon it, and I feel that we are arguing for the sake of seeing who can last the longest.  On top that I started loosing balance every now and then, resulting in bruises and even more pain.    Honestly, I do not know where I can go to hide until this thing is over.

My doctor always tells me that he can’t do much for me, so I am rather hesitant to look him up, it might push me over the edge.

What the hell am I doing?  Why now?  Tomorrow my boyfriend and I have a date to celebrate our 11 years together, and to give me some time off from the children.  But with this amount of pain, I won’t be doing much, …again!

People look at me and say: “You don’t look that bad.”  And I feel like screaming. That’s because I try to hide it, so I won’t feel even worse when people keep telling me how bad I look.
There is nothing I can do, nothing I can take to make me feel relaxed and less of a horrible mom, girlfriend and person.  Nothing I can imagine, to make me stop crying from the moment I am alone.

When do I say I broke down?  Oh, I hate my selfish, nagging, negative self.  But once in a while I just seem to pop up, and make everything horrible wrong.

I’m going to sip my coffee, take a bath (take my dog, up to the bath so he can wake me up in case I fall asleep), dress myself and go to work, before picking up my kids at school and the grandparents.  After that it is making diner and staying alive.

Love and kisses

me

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