This is my self pity !
Dear me and you,
I think I’m heading to a depression. I haven’t been in this bad a state since, I can’t even remember when the last time was. I am in so much pain, I can fall asleep at any time, and worst of all, I’m always in a bad mood.
My son is acting upon it, and I feel that we are arguing for the sake of seeing who can last the longest. On top that I started loosing balance every now and then, resulting in bruises and even more pain. Honestly, I do not know where I can go to hide until this thing is over.
My doctor always tells me that he can’t do much for me, so I am rather hesitant to look him up, it might push me over the edge.
What the hell am I doing? Why now? Tomorrow my boyfriend and I have a date to celebrate our 11 years together, and to give me some time off from the children. But with this amount of pain, I won’t be doing much, …again!
People look at me and say: “You don’t look that bad.” And I feel like screaming. That’s because I try to hide it, so I won’t feel even worse when people keep telling me how bad I look.
There is nothing I can do, nothing I can take to make me feel relaxed and less of a horrible mom, girlfriend and person. Nothing I can imagine, to make me stop crying from the moment I am alone.
When do I say I broke down? Oh, I hate my selfish, nagging, negative self. But once in a while I just seem to pop up, and make everything horrible wrong.
I’m going to sip my coffee, take a bath (take my dog, up to the bath so he can wake me up in case I fall asleep), dress myself and go to work, before picking up my kids at school and the grandparents. After that it is making diner and staying alive.
Love and kisses