This is my self pity !

Dear me and you,

I think I’m heading to a depression.  I haven’t been in this bad a state since, I can’t even remember when the last time was.  I am in so much pain, I can fall asleep at any time, and worst of all, I’m always in a bad mood.

My son is acting upon it, and I feel that we are arguing for the sake of seeing who can last the longest.  On top that I started loosing balance every now and then, resulting in bruises and even more pain.    Honestly, I do not know where I can go to hide until this thing is over.

My doctor always tells me that he can’t do much for me, so I am rather hesitant to look him up, it might push me over the edge.

What the hell am I doing?  Why now?  Tomorrow my boyfriend and I have a date to celebrate our 11 years together, and to give me some time off from the children.  But with this amount of pain, I won’t be doing much, …again!

People look at me and say: “You don’t look that bad.”  And I feel like screaming. That’s because I try to hide it, so I won’t feel even worse when people keep telling me how bad I look.
There is nothing I can do, nothing I can take to make me feel relaxed and less of a horrible mom, girlfriend and person.  Nothing I can imagine, to make me stop crying from the moment I am alone.

When do I say I broke down?  Oh, I hate my selfish, nagging, negative self.  But once in a while I just seem to pop up, and make everything horrible wrong.

I’m going to sip my coffee, take a bath (take my dog, up to the bath so he can wake me up in case I fall asleep), dress myself and go to work, before picking up my kids at school and the grandparents.  After that it is making diner and staying alive.

Love and kisses